Under No Condition…

Unconditional love is demonstrated when each party is able to express its views, beliefs and positions freely, without fear of harsh opposition, judgment or repercussion. In short, unconditional love does not hold one hostage.

In relationships where unconditional love exists, each party is willing to accept that the other may not share their views, beliefs or positions and does not set out to diminish or change the views of the other. Throughout the process, the unconditional love continues to flow freely, uninhibited by differences.

As parents, we must be willing to validate our children’s feelings by being willing to admit to our failures, areas where our parenting practices may have fallen short or times when we may have exercised poor judgment – acknowledging the negative effect those actions might have caused.

Parents must be willing to validate our children’s feelings, understanding that it is not about us admitting to wrongdoing; rather, it is about us listening to, hearing and acknowledging our child’s perception of that which occurred. Simply put, it is less about defending the intent of our actions and more about giving them the opportunity to voice their perception of those actions and the feelings that resulted.

As parents of adult children, we must understand that acceptance of our children’s views, beliefs or positions, to which we may be opposed, is not an indication of our agreement with or support of those views; rather, it is simply a demonstration of our love for and acceptance of our children while possessing a healthy respect for the fact that they must be permitted to work out their path apart from threats, warnings and harsh criticism or judgment that we, as parents, can tend to dole out as our faith and trust becomes impeded by what we begin to fear is hopeless.

Parents must realize that while we, ourselves, continue along in our own individual journeys – aside from our labels of parent, child, spouse, co-worker, acquaintance, neighbor or friend, we have set our examples; we have poured into the lives of others – primarily, our children – with all that we had at our disposal at the time.

We’ve won and we’ve lost.
We’ve hit the mark squarely and we’ve missed it completely.
We’ve indulged and we’ve neglected.
We’ve given thanks and we’ve complained.
We’ve prepared hot meals and we’ve served cold bowls of cereal.
We’ve had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and we’ve been down to bread and butter.
We’ve gone out for meals and we’ve dined on eggs and toast for supper.
We’ve been well-rested and we’ve run ourselves ragged.
We’ve been bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and we’ve been glassy-eyed with our tail between our legs.
We’ve tossed and turned and we’ve slumbered in peace.
We’ve read books and we’ve popped in videos.
We’ve taught to tie shoes and we’ve celebrated Velcro.
We’ve taken temperatures and wiped noses and we’ve told them to just get over it.
We’ve done too much and we’ve not done enough.
We’ve been cautious and we’ve been careless.
We’ve been insightful and we’ve been blind-sighted.
We’ve suffered in lack as their needs we filled and we’ve bought a new dress and have been laden with guilt.
We’ve taken stands and we’ve thrown up our hands, but…

Through it all, the flame of love for our children never grows dim, nor can it be snuffed out by the world’s winds. We must hold onto our faith, keep on believing and offer our love and support. We must be willing to listen to and able to hear what is and is not being said. We must learn to gracefully persevere life’s hardships and challenges (we all have them) as they seek to find and finally see that it is quite possible to continue to flourish in the midst of a struggle. We must free our hearts and minds in deliberate celebration, thoroughly enjoying our many blessings (we all have them), large and small. For through this, our legacy will live on for generations to come and they will have witnessed, firsthand, a life of true salvation in Christ. Thus, we will have spoken louder than any words, deeds or actions that we rendered for the good of those to whom we commit our unconditional love.

– Tina Allen

History is in the Making

“To be a tree is magnificent; to have planted the seed from which it sprung forth, truly an honor.” – Tina Allen

Grand Finale

There is a chair, in which I sit, a favored place to be,
It’s a space where I’m suitably fitted, a place created just for me;

I needn’t worry when I am here, that I’ll face a judge or jury,
For in this light, my past mistakes serve only to enhance my beauty;

No matter what my deficits, for here, it makes no difference,
I bask in a glow of warm delight as if I’m simply perfect;

At my feet, seated patiently, poised in anticipation,
Their eyes of wonder fixed upon me as they peer in admiration;

My brunette tresses faded, lying dull and colorless,
Yet a sparkling crown is what they see, shining with magnificence;

They long to hear my stories of forgotten yesterdays,
The tragedies and triumphs working to increase their faith;

Anxious to listen and hungry to learn, they nestle upon my knee,
Their youthful faces of innocence reflect a trace of me;

My weakened limbs, to them, are well-equipped with strength and power,
For beyond the times when I’ve fallen short, they see all I have to offer;

While I do not hasten to grow old, the clock’s hands won’t stand still,
So while I live, the role of grandparent I’ll humbly work to fill.

– Tina Allen

It’s Just an Expression

“To wait until the end of life to tell them they are loved, is to have gone an entire lifetime, telling them they were not.” – Tina Allen

Learning to be Resourceful

Getting dressed rather quickly the other day, I grabbed a gray sweater, threw on some jeans and stepped into my old faithful black loafers (they’ve been around for, eh, I’d say about six years now…). Glancing at myself in the mirror, I noticed I looked a little drab so over to the jewelry box I rushed, poking around for an interesting piece that might add a pop of color to my attire.

Suddenly, my eyes caught a be-jeweled owl dangling on a rustic gold chain. “That’s it!” I thought to myself, quickly draping it around my neck. It was the perfect touch for my otherwise not-so-exciting outfit.

Not long after I’d reached my destination, a woman remarked at how beautiful the necklace. “Thank you,” I said politely.

A little while later, another woman approached and complimented me on the piece. “Thank you,” I said, again, this time going into detail about the drab outfit, etc.

As she walked away and I turned to go about my business, the thought entered my mind that perhaps I should give the woman the necklace.

“I really like it,” I thought to myself, “but I do have plenty of other trinkety baubles and pieces at home.” The internal argument inside me grew as I tried to figure out whether or not I should give the necklace away. The decision grew more confusing as I struggled with feeling a bit obligated to give it to her. “Maybe I’m being selfish,” I thought. “I mean, why else would I not want to let go of something. It’s just a necklace!”

But suddenly, what began as a small spark of musing ignited a fire of enlightenment as I was struck with a vision.

I saw a woman walking down what was known by me to be a very long path. She was wearing a flowing white dress that cascaded softy in the breeze, her hair blowing gently from her face to expose a pair of lovely dangling earrings. Although she had traveled long and far on this path, she had yet a long way to go. I was taken by how refreshed this woman appeared, as in spite of her long and sometimes difficult journey, she managed to carry herself with an amazing poise and grace. And although she appeared quite elegant, her outward adornments paled in comparison to the inner confidence that shone on her face. For while she had clearly taken care of herself, it was her peaceful glow that called the attention of those who looked on.

Then, like the rewinding of a movie, I saw a another woman walking along the same path. As in the first part of the vision, this woman, too, had traveled extensively along the path and just as the first, she had yet a long way to go. But unlike the first woman I had seen, this one had a haggard appearance. In fact, the emanation of negativity from her was so prevalent that I cannot readily recall her clothing, only that I remember there being nothing distinct. And try as I might, I am unable to tell you anything about her face, only that it portrayed complete exhaustion.

As I studied her to find a point of interest – for surely there must be something – it was suddenly known to me that this woman had once looked as lovely as the first. Just as the first, she had begun her walk in a state of elegance and peace, always a free-hearted and giving soul. She gladly gave of her time and talents and never hesitated to lend her ideas, her thoughts and her wisdom in coming to the aid of another. This woman had truly been a well of inspiration to those whom she had encountered along her path. But now she walked alone, treading out her last days with footsteps of utter sorrow.

I looked back up at her face hoping to see a trace of something that may help me to more clearly discern her story. And then I saw them – her eyes. And they were as deep pools of regret.

“What is the correlation?” I asked. For I did not understand how one who had made a practice of such kindness and generosity could possibly be so lacking in joy.

And then in an instant, the meaning of the vision began to unfold:

In her pursuit to achieve selflessness, the second woman tirelessly indulged those around her. And in her careful stewardship, she was always mindful to put the needs of others before her own. For this, she thought, was the mark of a woman of noble character.

My attention was then turned back to the first woman.

Just as the second, she was also extremely kind and giving. She desired more than anything else to be a vessel through whom others could be blessed. But this woman possessed a strength and surety that the second woman did not; for this woman understood that in order to be a resource, she must work to build up and maintain a reserve from which she could give unto others.

In contrast to the first, the second woman was weak because she had failed to take time to renew and preserve strength for herself. She was lonely because, having been depleted of all that she once had to offer, there was now nothing left of her from which others could draw. And she was sad because she was no longer able to do that which had always brought her the most joy – to give and to serve.

As the vision came to an end, I stood looking at myself in the mirror. Clutching the beautiful owl necklace, I recalled the day it caught ny eye at the department store, remembering the moment I finally gave in and decided to buy it in spite of my mental reasoning that I didn’t really need it. Suddenly, I felt absolutely no obligation to give away my favored piece. For I realized that the necklace would be much more valuable to me and others who happened along my path, by simply serving as a conversation piece.

The most skilled chef who, merely focused on feeding others, neglects to prepare food for himself, will eventually starve. And the most talented artist, if merely gearing his efforts toward edifying his audience, refuses to partake of that which lines his path, will soon realize that his wisdom has been expended, and his well of inspiration, dry.

You see, it’s all about demand and supply.

Until next time,

Tina 😉

Measuring My Words

“A voice of influence is strangely silenced by the absence of love.” – Tina Allen

Light-Hearted

Well, after dreading and putting it off for quite a number of weeks now, I went to your house this weekend. I don’t know that I’d really call it a visit – more of a formality, I suppose. See, it was your birthday and, well, it was the right thing to do…

Like in times past when I’ve attempted to have a “normal” visit with you, I was disappointed when I left. And just like all the other times, I left with a broken heart.

But this time was different.

This time, my heart wasn’t broken for me; it was broken for you.

And this time, I didn’t leave being disappointed in you; I left feeling disappointed in myself.

From the moment I pulled away from your house Saturday evening, my heart was grieved by a sudden cognizance of the harsh judgment that I have levied against you. It is as if the heaviness of inalienable shame that I had so badly wanted you to encounter has suddenly been heaped upon me – your accuser, your persecutor, your daughter.

I am sickened at the realization that such a powerful and ugly darkness has woven its way into my heart – my soul – all the while, going unnoticed as it shrouded itself in a sense of justice on my behalf. For surely I deserved better from my mother. It was my right. Right???

To think that my mouth could’ve been capable of muttering such evil into the atmosphere; to have been so condescending as to have actually stated that if you had died, I would not have felt a thing; to have had the audacity to petition God for the well-being of my own children as I stood holding such hatred and mercilessness in reserve for one of His children overwhelms me with sadness.

Up until now, I have eluded visits and phone calls with you as I stiffly railed against the very suggestion of forgiveness in my determination that justice shall be served. But I am now haunted by the grim reality that time which has been lost will never be regained; therefore, I find myself panic-stricken as I scramble for more time with you while you are still at my disposal.

I looked at the faces of my two sons – your grandsons – as we pulled away from your house the other night, the younger one’s eyes filling with tears as he peered at you through the car window, you standing there alone in your driveway. His love for you is pure and tender and could never be tainted by any tales of the past. For that is of no relevance to him, as his view of you is uncontaminated and the fact that I have robbed him of spending time with you, his grandmother, is something that I now find to be unconscionable.

Suddenly and inexplicably, it’s not about what you didn’t do for me, but about what I can do for you.

It’s not about me being heard, but about me hearing your needs.

It’s not about you paying a penalty or price, but about me bankrupting myself to shower you with love.

It’s about me affirming your value in spite of the fact that you have always struggled with regarding yourself as being worthy.

It’s about me knowing that when either you or I draws our last breath (whichever of us may do so first – for only God knows), I will have a sense of fulfillment and peace in my heart as I either leave or send you away with no doubt of your worth or of the love that I carry for you.

I would apologize to you but sadly, you would have no idea what I was talking about. For you are unaware of the bitterness, sorrow, disappointment and hurt with which I have been wrestling over the years. Nonetheless, today, I release you, Mom. I release you not so that you can be free – for it is not you , but I who has been bound. I release you so that I may be free – free to stand, free to live, free to effectually do battle, free to win, and free for my own children to extend a similar pardon to me as I acknowledge that I have, in no wise, been a perfect parent.

Because God is all too familiar with the resentment with which I have been ensnared, I publicly and humbly ask my Maker – the One who has endowed me with the power to be compassionate and merciful through the gifting of the Holy Spirit – to forgive me for the err of my ways.

To my earthly Mother and heavenly Father, I am truly, truly sorry.

Your daughter,

Tina